It has been a long while since I have blogged. Well, since last year. There have been many changes in my life and other things.
We went to Nova Scotia for New Years and we did plan on moving out there, but my oldest girl would not handle the move - her going with us or her staying behind.
I have not done my outlets that much and this blog is one of them. I have cut down on how often I go sing and it needs to be more and more now. Doing comedy died for me a year ago and I still find it the biggest challenge in my life opening up in the spotlight for 5 minutes in front of a crowd of strangers. I'm not the one who seeks the spotlight and usually run like hell away from it.
This week, I want to challenge myself to do my outlets more and to try new places to go and sing. For the longest time, I have only gone to Suzie's shows and I am have been loyal to her. I have been meaning to check out another friend's show.
Saturday, 21 July 2012
Tuesday, 6 December 2011
Reflections from a while ago
Since November 20th, I have been dealing with some past issues that I have not come to terms with and what happened a while back still hurts inside.
I got word from a friend, who told me that she found an ex interest of mine via Facebook. She was searching a while for him and found his wife. When I heard the news, I was so happy for her and was feeling elated for the first few minutes. Then the nightmare sank in and I felt quite sad about things. Old buried memories come spewing forth haunting me.
I asked myself, why has this come creeping back to me. Why? After all these years, why now does it come up and still sting my heart so. You would think after a while that people get over things and move on, but contrary to that thought, it is not so. Some people never get over their first love and some folks are way into their old age. I would imagine that this is a common thing.
Out of all the people in my past, who I have been with, this guy still has left an impact in my soul and I don't know why that is. Why is it that this guy stands out over the rest? I don't grieve over John. Reg, Wray, Brett, Chris or Claude. But why this guy.
An awesome astrologer posed this to me as food for thought and about the last eclipse aspecting my Venus in Pisces. "So the Nov. 25 eclipse squared your natal Venus. I'd say it's about reviewing what you need from relationships - a process often spurred on by old loves reappearing, even if in a peripheral way (such as learning sad things about your love, or even in a dream - especially with Neptune involved). It's not about getting back together with people from the past so much as understanding what the relationship meant to you.
So, I asked myself what the relationship meant to me? I am not sure what this person symbolized in my life or what about my time with him touched my soul. I talked this over with a good friend to gain some view of why this is so.....
This morning I wrote this, during my morning meditation.
I got word from a friend, who told me that she found an ex interest of mine via Facebook. She was searching a while for him and found his wife. When I heard the news, I was so happy for her and was feeling elated for the first few minutes. Then the nightmare sank in and I felt quite sad about things. Old buried memories come spewing forth haunting me.
I asked myself, why has this come creeping back to me. Why? After all these years, why now does it come up and still sting my heart so. You would think after a while that people get over things and move on, but contrary to that thought, it is not so. Some people never get over their first love and some folks are way into their old age. I would imagine that this is a common thing.
Out of all the people in my past, who I have been with, this guy still has left an impact in my soul and I don't know why that is. Why is it that this guy stands out over the rest? I don't grieve over John. Reg, Wray, Brett, Chris or Claude. But why this guy.
An awesome astrologer posed this to me as food for thought and about the last eclipse aspecting my Venus in Pisces. "So the Nov. 25 eclipse squared your natal Venus. I'd say it's about reviewing what you need from relationships - a process often spurred on by old loves reappearing, even if in a peripheral way (such as learning sad things about your love, or even in a dream - especially with Neptune involved). It's not about getting back together with people from the past so much as understanding what the relationship meant to you.
So, I asked myself what the relationship meant to me? I am not sure what this person symbolized in my life or what about my time with him touched my soul. I talked this over with a good friend to gain some view of why this is so.....
This morning I wrote this, during my morning meditation.
Becky was not Becky back in 1995
Back then she put her faith
In others, over herself
She put her faith and herself
All in one person
The only person in her life
That she asked out and pursued
In a romantic way
The one she gave to wholeheartedly
And unconditionally
The one she thought
She wanted to settle down with
He never LOVED her in return
He never returned to her
All that she gave him
He never gave her acceptance or commitment
Many times he would
Scornfully, lecture her
He could be so negative with her
Tear her spirits down
She became the person
He wanted her to be instead
He didn't accept her for her
The only person back then
She would surrender to
It was a great sacrifice
Relations were more than friends
But he NEVER
Admitted to being a couple
In the end he was not worth
All that time and sacrifice
There were many times she went
Against her intuition
Intuitively, he was not
What she desired or needed
It was the "relationship"
That nearly destroyed her life!
He got news that changed the
Whole landscape of things
Many times before she
Had sent him away from her
Now it was time to
Go their own ways
Two days later,
She wanted to very quickly
End her tragic life
They told her
All her caring friends
Nurses at the hospital
It was self hate
She didn't love HERSELF
That was back in a time where, relationships were foggy and expectations were scattered. Childhood conditioning had a hold on her and she repeated it in this friendship.
Here it is a long while from that time and I am not that same person that I was back then. I had no sense of self and I did put my faith and honor on another person, when it wasn't his to begin with. Maybe I'm taking my power back or something. What was said to me about me, back then I must have took as gospel and lived my life that way. Hard to say really cause it has been a while ago.
Today here I sit blogging and in reflection. Today, I am my own person. Standing confident in myself with a strong sense of who and what I am. I have recreated myself from the ground up from a stable foundation. I took the time to get to know myself - in depth and personal. I am thankful of who and what I am. I deeply honor myself and the life I created for me.
I don't know if this answers what the relationship meant to me - all I know is that life has changed for the better and that this guy must have played a huge role in my younger years.
But after the deeply traumatizing break up, we managed to get back in touch over a year later. He called me and he asked me to keep in touch. He had met this woman, who his was fond of and I was happy for him that he could find somebody out there in this world to love. He would come down and visit with my boyfriend and I. The boyfriend and him were good friends and we enjoyed our visits with each other, though I never met her.
In keeping with his request of keeping in touch, I did. Until this woman became deeply unhinged with me when I called and she majorly raked me over the coals saying it was over a few years ago now fuck off and never call here - she said a hell of a lot worse and was actually quite threatening and to this day I still wonder if I should have called the police on her.
This hurt and this hurt is still within me. I am now working on how to come to terms with this and deal with it instead of sweeping it under the carpet and burying it some more. I sat down and tried to write a mock letter to her to work it out but I didn't find it effective enough. I am not happy with the rough draft.
I wrote ` Several years ago, one night, you decided to try and make an enemy because you were threatened, paranoid and hateful that you man could keep in touch with a former friend.
Setting the record straight, it was HIM that asked to keep in touch. Your delusion of an "ex" ever wanting him back was WRONG! I, in fact, was in a relationship at that point in time with a man in Calgary. Both men were friends.
Instead of overreacting, assuming things and jumping the gun - you could have got the facts first, instead of lashing out at me. It was like taking a nuclear weapon and dropping it on a butterfly."
That was all I wrote down and part of me is tempted to confront her on FB, but I can't. I just want to come to terms with this.
A few years later, I came across his brother who gave me an update on him. They did marry and she turned out to be a very controlling and possessive woman. She refused to let him see or even visit with his brothers and seemed to have black balled his whole family. The brother was not allowed to contact the house at all. The brother also apologized to me about what happened, but I didn't find comfort in that because the brother had nothing to do with it. She was and maybe still is a bully. I was told that she wasn't liked at work and didn't have any friends.
I have asked my friend who found him, not to give me updates as I don't think I could handle it. I am thankful that some people in the past really do stay in the past. I have found out a few tidbits of info about him and his family and I don't want to know more. I pray that my friend won't introduce him back into my life - but at gatherings there is always a small chance that people meet up with each other.....
I don't want to come across with holding a grudge because I have no issues with them, in reality sake. For the sake of me, I want to put this ghost to rest. Maybe find a hypnotist and get my memory erased :P
I think tonight, I need a good cry and then move on.
Tuesday, 6 September 2011
The two deaths that gave me insight within myself
I would like to post my deepest condolences to Olivia Chow and the rest of Jack Layton's family. I am deeply saddened by the news of his passing back on August 22, 2011. (John Gilbert (Jack) Layton - July 18, 1950 to August 22, 2011) Cancer.
I would also like to express my condolences to the family of a Bradley J Gallant. I was saddened to hear of his passing, though it has been a while since he died in 1998. (January 16, 1971 to July 13, 1998) Suicide.
These two deaths have triggered of a reflective and introspective wonder for me. I am looking at myself again and have come to some revelations. It leads me to the path of self worth and self appreciation.
Jack Layton - Former NDP leader and leader of the Opposition in Government. The amazing politician who brought his party to new historical heights and had one hell of an awesome spring. The guy who managed to capture my attention a bit. I actually voted NDP on May 2, 2011. He was riding the pinnacle of his career and then on July 25th, 2011 he took a leave of absence to battle with non prostate cancer. (On Feb 5, 2010 he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and fought through it but this time he needed time off to fight the disease.) When he appeared on TV for the last time he looked frail and his voice sounded weak. A month later, he was dead.
Two days before his death he penned a letter to Canadians, in case he died. It was a lovely letter addressing all Canadians and towards the end he said something that has left me inspired and gave me some goals to work on in my life and to come from a place of love instead of being angry and cynical about life and other humans.
The letter can be found here http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/story/2011/08/22/pol-layton-last-letter.html
Except "Don’t let them tell you it can’t be done. My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world."
Yes, Love is better than anger and that is my vice. The cross I bear on my back that needs to be taken down and dealt with. It is so easy to be mired into the down falls of mankind and to have a cynical attitude. This I need to work on and I need to learn to come from a place of love with man kind.
RIP Jack. Thank you for that reality check - well helping my see that side of myself and now I know where to direct my compass in life!
Mid August, I was talking to a friend from my school days and she had told me of a few people that passed on. Bradley Gallant was one of the people that passed. What was told to me was that he was gay and struggling with being gay and he killed himself.
I remember Brad from Baz and he was Monica's boyfriend for a while. I was saddened to hear of his passing. I put something down about finding out a few old school mates have passed and Monica asked.
I sent Monica a text saying that Brad had passed and she didn't take it lightly. She was quite heart broken. I felt very sad for her and felt even worse telling her that her ex-boyfriend had died. I checked in with her over the weekend to see how she was holding up.
After being told of Brad's death, I don't think I could actually believe it and so I did a search online. I found out where he was buried and when he died. Sept 5, 2011, I went to visit his grave and took a picture for Monica. I learned that Brad was cremated and buried along side his grandparents. He was born Jan 16, 1971 and died July 13, 1998. Monica told me what she wanted said at his grave so I said it and added a few thoughts of my own.
I don't know exactly what he did long ago to put him where he is now - cremated and in a grave. The actual truth of his passing, I shall never know but they had told me suicide over struggles of being gay. I was saddened to see that he didn't find an alternative to his issues. I was saddened to see that it came to that.
I know many gays and lesbians and they are the best people in the world. They have always treated me kindly and I have found them to be very respectful people. I told Brad there is nothing wrong with being gay and that some of the best company have been gays down at the club where I sing.
From 1984 till around 1998, I went through a deep dark depression and seemed so dark and overwhelming. There were several times, I was quite suicidal and wanted to die but something within kept me from doing the unthinkable. I was saddened that my peer lost his battle - if it was the case but I will not know. He could have died from a disease or have been killed. I don't really trust secondhand information.
to be continued!
I would also like to express my condolences to the family of a Bradley J Gallant. I was saddened to hear of his passing, though it has been a while since he died in 1998. (January 16, 1971 to July 13, 1998) Suicide.
These two deaths have triggered of a reflective and introspective wonder for me. I am looking at myself again and have come to some revelations. It leads me to the path of self worth and self appreciation.
Jack Layton - Former NDP leader and leader of the Opposition in Government. The amazing politician who brought his party to new historical heights and had one hell of an awesome spring. The guy who managed to capture my attention a bit. I actually voted NDP on May 2, 2011. He was riding the pinnacle of his career and then on July 25th, 2011 he took a leave of absence to battle with non prostate cancer. (On Feb 5, 2010 he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and fought through it but this time he needed time off to fight the disease.) When he appeared on TV for the last time he looked frail and his voice sounded weak. A month later, he was dead.
Two days before his death he penned a letter to Canadians, in case he died. It was a lovely letter addressing all Canadians and towards the end he said something that has left me inspired and gave me some goals to work on in my life and to come from a place of love instead of being angry and cynical about life and other humans.
The letter can be found here http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/story/2011/08/22/pol-layton-last-letter.html
Except "Don’t let them tell you it can’t be done. My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world."
Yes, Love is better than anger and that is my vice. The cross I bear on my back that needs to be taken down and dealt with. It is so easy to be mired into the down falls of mankind and to have a cynical attitude. This I need to work on and I need to learn to come from a place of love with man kind.
RIP Jack. Thank you for that reality check - well helping my see that side of myself and now I know where to direct my compass in life!
Mid August, I was talking to a friend from my school days and she had told me of a few people that passed on. Bradley Gallant was one of the people that passed. What was told to me was that he was gay and struggling with being gay and he killed himself.
I remember Brad from Baz and he was Monica's boyfriend for a while. I was saddened to hear of his passing. I put something down about finding out a few old school mates have passed and Monica asked.
I sent Monica a text saying that Brad had passed and she didn't take it lightly. She was quite heart broken. I felt very sad for her and felt even worse telling her that her ex-boyfriend had died. I checked in with her over the weekend to see how she was holding up.
After being told of Brad's death, I don't think I could actually believe it and so I did a search online. I found out where he was buried and when he died. Sept 5, 2011, I went to visit his grave and took a picture for Monica. I learned that Brad was cremated and buried along side his grandparents. He was born Jan 16, 1971 and died July 13, 1998. Monica told me what she wanted said at his grave so I said it and added a few thoughts of my own.
I don't know exactly what he did long ago to put him where he is now - cremated and in a grave. The actual truth of his passing, I shall never know but they had told me suicide over struggles of being gay. I was saddened to see that he didn't find an alternative to his issues. I was saddened to see that it came to that.
I know many gays and lesbians and they are the best people in the world. They have always treated me kindly and I have found them to be very respectful people. I told Brad there is nothing wrong with being gay and that some of the best company have been gays down at the club where I sing.
From 1984 till around 1998, I went through a deep dark depression and seemed so dark and overwhelming. There were several times, I was quite suicidal and wanted to die but something within kept me from doing the unthinkable. I was saddened that my peer lost his battle - if it was the case but I will not know. He could have died from a disease or have been killed. I don't really trust secondhand information.
to be continued!
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
Evolution and Discovery
One of the loves in my life is music. It has always been a favorite since childhood and I don't know what I would do without music. I'm a music junkie of sorts and I listen to all kinds of music it seems.
I grew up listening to classic rock in the 70s and 80s. I was in elementary school when Queen's We Will Rock You came out and when the Bee Gees were taking disco by storm. Boney M's song Rasputin brings back memories. I know where I was when I heard that Elvis had died.
I figure when I was a child, I had aspirations to be an artist of some sort. My folks enrolled me in organ lessons and that did not really pan out for me. I only had a few lessons and stopped. Home for me back then was a war zone with an abusive father. It took away from things I dreamed of doing.
In grade 3, I joined the choir at school and I think I was too shy to get on stage. I used to sing at home when I was a kid. My grandfather complimented my singing and I clammed up. I didn't want to sing after that. I don't know why. I never realized back then I am a highly sensitive introvert.
For some reason, my childhood dreams had to be put off and delayed till a later date. It has taken me a long time to get back to my aspirations that I had when I was a child. I'd say it has been well around 30 years now. It took me a long while to find myself and to figure out who and what I am.
April 2006, was when I started singing again and I realized that I needed an avenue for self expression and a release for my soul. Medically, I needed help and the best way I found to deal with anxiety was to get up and sing. So on that fateful night, I took to the stage at the Songwriter's and sang 4 karaoke tunes.
I used to karaoke once a week and then started going a few times a week. Six months later, I was invited to a jam and shortly after that, I started singing at jams. It was quite the transition from karaoke to a live band.
Over the course of over 4 years I have been to a lot of jams and sadly 80% of the time I never sang. (I sing mostly down at the Songwriter's club). Every once in a while, I will come across musicians that totally capture my attention and puts me into deep awe. I feel inspired with what I see and admire the work. I love the connection the musicians have with the audience. To have music connect on a deep level within and able to move people.
Here are a few memorable musicians.
Calgary had this guitar player named Bobby and his playing put me in awe. He had this awesome version of Jimi Hendrix's song Hey Joe. He could do a whole one man show in one jam session if he could. Sadly, he moved away to Newfoundland, where he is probably dazzling the crowds there.
Another time, I went to a jam at the Border Crossing. It was back when I first started singing at jams in early 2007. They had put up a young band who played this dynamite version of Neil Young's song Cinnamon Girl. It was a sped up and well done version of the song. I wished I would have written down the name of the band. Perhaps one day I will come across them in my travels in the city.
Yesterday, when I checked my Twitter account, I came across a pleasant surprise. I saw that I had new followers and as usual, I check them out. I found two very talented musicians from Hamburg, Germany. I checked out their Facebook page and played a few videos. They had classic rock covers that are wonderfully done. I viewed their version of Lucky Man and wept. They sang the song on a shore, near the Baltic Sea and the waves just added to the song. Gentle and spiritual. I am having a hard time trying to find the words on how I feel, but I know it touched me deep within my soul.
Let me introduce you to these talented musicians from Hamburg, Germany. I'll post a link so you can go discover and enjoy. Their names are Linus & Dino. They are brothers (20 & 23). They are such a delight to watch.
http://www.youtube.com/user/LinusDino#p/u/4/PZEfYWv0niQ
I grew up listening to classic rock in the 70s and 80s. I was in elementary school when Queen's We Will Rock You came out and when the Bee Gees were taking disco by storm. Boney M's song Rasputin brings back memories. I know where I was when I heard that Elvis had died.
I figure when I was a child, I had aspirations to be an artist of some sort. My folks enrolled me in organ lessons and that did not really pan out for me. I only had a few lessons and stopped. Home for me back then was a war zone with an abusive father. It took away from things I dreamed of doing.
In grade 3, I joined the choir at school and I think I was too shy to get on stage. I used to sing at home when I was a kid. My grandfather complimented my singing and I clammed up. I didn't want to sing after that. I don't know why. I never realized back then I am a highly sensitive introvert.
For some reason, my childhood dreams had to be put off and delayed till a later date. It has taken me a long time to get back to my aspirations that I had when I was a child. I'd say it has been well around 30 years now. It took me a long while to find myself and to figure out who and what I am.
April 2006, was when I started singing again and I realized that I needed an avenue for self expression and a release for my soul. Medically, I needed help and the best way I found to deal with anxiety was to get up and sing. So on that fateful night, I took to the stage at the Songwriter's and sang 4 karaoke tunes.
I used to karaoke once a week and then started going a few times a week. Six months later, I was invited to a jam and shortly after that, I started singing at jams. It was quite the transition from karaoke to a live band.
Over the course of over 4 years I have been to a lot of jams and sadly 80% of the time I never sang. (I sing mostly down at the Songwriter's club). Every once in a while, I will come across musicians that totally capture my attention and puts me into deep awe. I feel inspired with what I see and admire the work. I love the connection the musicians have with the audience. To have music connect on a deep level within and able to move people.
Here are a few memorable musicians.
Calgary had this guitar player named Bobby and his playing put me in awe. He had this awesome version of Jimi Hendrix's song Hey Joe. He could do a whole one man show in one jam session if he could. Sadly, he moved away to Newfoundland, where he is probably dazzling the crowds there.
Another time, I went to a jam at the Border Crossing. It was back when I first started singing at jams in early 2007. They had put up a young band who played this dynamite version of Neil Young's song Cinnamon Girl. It was a sped up and well done version of the song. I wished I would have written down the name of the band. Perhaps one day I will come across them in my travels in the city.
Yesterday, when I checked my Twitter account, I came across a pleasant surprise. I saw that I had new followers and as usual, I check them out. I found two very talented musicians from Hamburg, Germany. I checked out their Facebook page and played a few videos. They had classic rock covers that are wonderfully done. I viewed their version of Lucky Man and wept. They sang the song on a shore, near the Baltic Sea and the waves just added to the song. Gentle and spiritual. I am having a hard time trying to find the words on how I feel, but I know it touched me deep within my soul.
Let me introduce you to these talented musicians from Hamburg, Germany. I'll post a link so you can go discover and enjoy. Their names are Linus & Dino. They are brothers (20 & 23). They are such a delight to watch.
http://www.youtube.com/user/LinusDino#p/u/4/PZEfYWv0niQ
Sunday, 31 July 2011
My nutty and cra-zy daughter
I was looking in my files on the laptop here and I found a few freaky videos that my daughter had made and then deleted that I came across. This was one video. There are a whole bunch of vids like this on Youtube inspired by Jingle Farts.
I have talked to my child about potty talk and the like only to have found this. I'm not happy about it though I figure she will be a comic one day.
I have talked to my child about potty talk and the like only to have found this. I'm not happy about it though I figure she will be a comic one day.
Etiquette on differing beliefs other than your own.
These past few days I have seen a whole bunch of nastiness and verbal bashing over different beliefs. It seems that when people disagree with a belief then they attack it and then waste a lot of time and energy on trying to proof that the way they think is the only right way that there is. They strongly think the other person is on crack and all respect appears to be lost. The bully steamrollers the believer and think that they have a right of an entitlement to treat a person in that manner. This is where a person loses all inner control.
The reality of this world is this - there are six billion people on this planet and there are many ways to live life, to think, to feel, to act etc. It is the way life goes and nobody really has power to control it or think they are responsible for "correcting" another. Whichever way a person decided to live their life and believe in whatever is no body's business. Though I will add - as long as the person is not directly hurting others - for example religious extremists, those who do criminal activities such as murders, robbery etc.....
I have always seemed to march to a beat of my own drummer and see the world in a different way, so I come across those who are different. Here is what I do - nothing. If a person wants to believe that purple hippos dance on their ears and if rubbing there left foot brought them calm and inner joy then so be it. If it makes the other person happy then I am for it. If I don't agree with it, then I am free to agree to disagree and leave it at that. How they decide to live their lives has no effect on my being and living at all. If they are happy, good.
I expect others to live their lives and go down their own paths and find a life that fits for them, on the same token not to expect anybody to conform to how I believe. I have no desire to convert anybody or have others be like me. I enjoy differences and try to embrace them as well.
So when meeting up with a different believer there are a few responses.
1. Okay, neat.
2. I agree to disagree
3. To each their own
I'm sure there is a lot more that can be said.
The reality of this world is this - there are six billion people on this planet and there are many ways to live life, to think, to feel, to act etc. It is the way life goes and nobody really has power to control it or think they are responsible for "correcting" another. Whichever way a person decided to live their life and believe in whatever is no body's business. Though I will add - as long as the person is not directly hurting others - for example religious extremists, those who do criminal activities such as murders, robbery etc.....
I have always seemed to march to a beat of my own drummer and see the world in a different way, so I come across those who are different. Here is what I do - nothing. If a person wants to believe that purple hippos dance on their ears and if rubbing there left foot brought them calm and inner joy then so be it. If it makes the other person happy then I am for it. If I don't agree with it, then I am free to agree to disagree and leave it at that. How they decide to live their lives has no effect on my being and living at all. If they are happy, good.
I expect others to live their lives and go down their own paths and find a life that fits for them, on the same token not to expect anybody to conform to how I believe. I have no desire to convert anybody or have others be like me. I enjoy differences and try to embrace them as well.
So when meeting up with a different believer there are a few responses.
1. Okay, neat.
2. I agree to disagree
3. To each their own
I'm sure there is a lot more that can be said.
Sunday, 12 June 2011
Introvert talking extraverted hobbies
I am a strongly introverted person. That is how I am seen out on the world. A whole lot of people are quite surprised to hear that I get up on stage to sing or tell jokes. Some are even shocked. One is an emotional release and the other is working to get out of my shell. It is not easy coming out of my shell and opening up to the world and to others. These are my extroverting hobbies. For the longest time I was content staying in my shell but one can never stay in their comfort zone for life. It is a challenge for me to open up to others around me and the world. Going on stage to tell jokes, puts me out there and I get into a situation where I can't stay in my shell.
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